ERIK
My dear lady, I am the chapel-master of the Metropolitan Church of Jesus Christ, Conductor.
SUZANNE
So, you are inventing new religions now?
ERIK
Only the one new religion. And as chapel-master, I am extremely busy and I do not have time for women. And in any case, women do not understand me.
SUZANNE
I feel the same about men.
ERIK
Even the banker?
SUZANNE
The banker... most of all.
ERIK
How sad.
SUZANNE
Yes.
ERIK
Why did you change your name?
SUZANNE
Toulouse-Lautrec (too-loose le-trek) named me, because I model for old men.
ERIK
Ah, Suzanna Among the Elders. From the Old Testament.
SUZANNE
Yes.
ERIK
Is it difficult?
SUZANNE
It can be, especially in the winter - even when it is very cold and drafty, a model must still pose naked. But it is an essential part of my education. When I pose, I watch the painters at their craft. There is so much to learn. Each painter has his own style, and I watch them and absorb everything I can. I know that some day, that will be me, at my own easel, in my own studio. But - between you and me, I learned more from the painters than just how to paint. Each painter has his own style. Chavannes (shah-vann) was very slow and quiet, like this.
(Imitating Chavannes' seduction technique, Suzanne stares into Erik's eyes. Then she pretends to look around for someone.)
“Oh no, was that my Princess? Quick girl, hide in the closet!” His one true love is the Princess of Romania. Now Renoir's style was more...
(As Renoir would, she takes his hands and studies them.)
Such beautiful little hands.
(She kisses each hand. Then suddenly stops and looks around frantically.)
Wait, was that my fiancée coming up the stairs? Quick girl! Get in the closet!
ERIK
The closet again.
SUZANNE
I have known the inside of many closets in my time. Now the style of Toulouse-Lautrec was more... you must stand up.
(Erik stands. Valadon addresses his midsection because she's pretending to be Toulouse-Lautrec who was only 4 feet tall.)
Today, I have decided to change your name to Suzanne. And you shall be my model, tonight and tomorrow and every night after that. But first, we must make love!
(She pretends to rip at his clothing which tickles Erik.)
Oh ho I see you are ticklish.
(She tickles him.)
ERIK
Stop - I am a serious phonometrician!
SUZANNE
Yes, a phonometrician. Only a phonometrician can appreciate my work. Oh “the great” Chavanne and Renoir and Toulouse-Lautrec. They pursue beauty, they portray beauty and yet they are blind! They see me as nothing more than a charming poodle who can do tricks – and to them, my art is one more silly poodle trick!
ERIK
They are impious blasphemers made from the Devil's own saliva!
SUZANNE
(can't help laughing at this bizarre turn of phrase.)
What?!
ERIK
Only fools deny that you are a great artist!
SUZANNE
Never fear, blind or not, they will help me in my career because I am so terribly nice to them. It is a small price to pay for my art. Do you know why? Because life is art! Do you believe that life is art?
ERIK
With all my heart.
SUZANNE
Do you believe in aesthetic independence?
ERIK
It is a pillar of my religion.
SUZANNE
A religion for true artists.
ERIK
You understand.
(A prayer to the third person of his religion's holy trinity - perhaps he looks up to the heavens.)
In the name of the Holy Lady.
SUZANNE
So, you have heard of the artist Valadon?
ERIK
Yes, she is quite scandalous.
SUZANNE
But what if, one fine day, that scandalous artist Valadon said to you, "will you be my model?"
(She's waiting for him to say "yes." He's nearly hypnotized by her expert seduction technique.)
What would you say? You must have the courage to look the model in the eye if you want to see into his soul.
(She takes off his pince-nez and stares in his eyes.)
ERIK
Will you marry me?
N. G. McClernan